The OK Corral: A Simple Map to Better Reactions and Stronger Relationships

Mayfly Maven Toolkit: The OK Corral

In the fast-paced world of leadership, communication, and personal growth, one truth continues to hold: how we perceive ourselves and others directly influences the quality of our relationships. Whether you're leading a team, navigating conflict, or simply trying to communicate more effectively, self-awareness is the starting point, and it’s here that The OK Corral becomes a powerful ally.

Originally developed from Eric Berne’s foundational work in Transactional Analysis and later expanded by Franklin Ernst, the OK Corral (also called the Life Positions Matrix) is a deceptively simple framework that helps us understand where we stand emotionally in any interaction, and what we can do to shift toward connection, empathy, and growth.

Let’s explore how this tool can help us manage our reactions, deepen rapport, and create environments where every voice feels heard and valued.

What is The OK Corral?

At its core, The OK Corral is a matrix that maps how we perceive ourselves in relation to others:

• I’m OK – You’re OK

• I’m OK – You’re Not OK

• I’m Not OK – You’re OK

• I’m Not OK – You’re Not OK

  
  

Each of these life positions shapes how we communicate, lead, and engage with others. While we all aspire to live in the “I’m OK – You’re OK” space, our early experiences, social conditioning, and current stress levels can pull us away from this ideal.

The good news?

With emotional intelligence and empathy, we can recognise when we’ve drifted and choose to come back to that place of mutual respect and psychological safety.

Emotional Intelligence + Empathy = Rapport

Simone Smith, a psychotherapeutic counsellor with deep experience in helping professionals unlock their communication blocks, reminds us that building rapport doesn’t just happen. It’s created through a combination of emotional intelligence (understanding and managing our emotions and the emotions of others) and empathy (genuinely connecting with what someone else is feeling).

When we understand what’s going on inside us, and can hold space for what’s happening in others – we build the kind of connection that is resilient, respectful, and real.

Exploring the Life Positions

Let’s look at each position within the OK Corral and how they might show up in everyday situations:

1. I’m OK – You’re OK

This is the gold standard. From this position, we see ourselves and others as worthy, capable, and equal. It’s the foundation for inclusive leadership, healthy relationships, and psychological safety. When we lead from this space, we foster open dialogue, creativity, and mutual trust – even when disagreements arise.

Example: A team leader encourages open feedback, listens without defensiveness, and trusts their team’s abilities. The team member feels empowered, and the relationship is one of mutual respect and collaboration.

2. I’m OK – You’re Not OK

This position often emerges from a need to feel in control or from unaddressed insecurities masked by superiority. It’s common in hierarchical environments where authority is confused with value. Leaders or parents who fall into this trap might feel they’re helping, but they can come across as patronising, critical, or dismissive.

Example: A manager micromanages their team, assuming others can’t do things “the right way.” Their feedback feels judgmental rather than developmental, stifling innovation and trust.

3. I’m Not OK – You’re OK

This position is marked by self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a deep desire to please others – often at the expense of one’s own needs and voice. Many people, especially women in traditionally male-dominated environments, may internalise this stance due to past experiences of being overlooked or underestimated.

Example: In a meeting, a brilliant team member hesitates to speak up or share a bold idea because they fear it won’t be valued or accepted. Instead, they defer to others and avoid taking up space.

4. I’m Not OK – You’re Not OK

Though less common, this position can surface when someone has experienced significant betrayal, trauma, or repeated interpersonal conflict. It leads to disconnection, cynicism, and sometimes hopelessness. From here, it’s hard to trust anyone – including yourself.

Example: A colleague who is disengaged, distrustful, and avoids collaboration. Their past experiences may have taught them that connection leads to pain, so they preemptively withdraw.

Why This Matters – Especially Now

In a world that feels increasingly polarised, reactive, and uncertain, our ability to pause, reflect, and reframe our reactions is more critical than ever. Whether we’re navigating hybrid work dynamics, supporting our children through change, or simply trying to be more present in our relationships – understanding our life position in any given moment gives us power.

Not power over others – but power within ourselves.

The question becomes: What position am I taking right now? And is it serving connection or disconnection? From this awareness, we can choose differently.

A Practical Invitation

Simone offers a practical worksheet in the OK Corral toolkit to help you explore this matrix in daily life so you can look at common situations and reflect on how you perceived yourself, the other person and how to shift into the other “I’m OK – You’re OK” stance.

This reflection can be incredibly revealing. Over time, we begin to see patterns and opportunities for growth.

Bridging Into Inclusive Leadership

This framework also has powerful applications in leadership. Inclusive leaders know that creating psychologically safe spaces starts with how we show up – and how we view the people around us.

The “I’m OK – You’re OK” stance encourages us to:

• Listen without trying to fix or control.

• Speak with clarity and kindness.

• Honour each person’s dignity and lived experience.

• Encourage feedback and co-creation.

• Regulate our own emotional triggers.

When teams operate from this place, they thrive. Innovation increases, conflicts are resolved constructively, and people feel empowered to contribute authentically.

Elevating Your Self-Awareness

Tools like the Motive Structure Analysis (MSA®), also offered by Mayfly Maven, can further support this journey by helping you uncover what drives your communication style, reactions, and leadership habits. When we know what motivates us – and where our blind spots are – we’re better equipped to grow consciously and sustainably.

A Final Word: You Are OK

Let this be your gentle reminder: you are OK. The people around you are OK too – even when they show up in challenging ways. With curiosity, courage, and compassion, we can shift the dynamics of our relationships and create more meaningful connections in every part of our lives.

Because every voice matters.

And when we truly see our own worth – and recognise the worth in others – anything becomes possible.

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References:

• Smith, Simone. The OK Corral: Understanding and Controlling Your Reactions. Mayfly Maven Ltd., 2025.

• Berne, Eric. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy, 1961.

• Ernst, Franklin. The OK Corral: The Grid for Get-on-With, 1971.

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